Devious Love
I will start like this—Love, twists and grows in unexpected ways. Life surprises you with it in places you’d never think to look. It comes in so many unique forms, that the simple word “love” does not even begin to define all that we use it for. When you love someone, you can love your friends, your family, your neighbors, your mentors, your lovers…
I don’t usually talk about it, but I remember the day my father left. I was four years old. I don’t remember the little things, like what he was carrying with him… I just remember his face that night, the way his eyes never seemed able to settle on mine for very long. I remember him crouching down to my level, trying to do his best to explain what he was doing. He tried to tell me why tonight, unlike all other nights, he would not be home. I remember seeing my parents exchanging very few words, just mutual glances towards the front door. I didn’t understand in the least what was going on, but I could feel it. I had sense enough to cry. I begged my father not to go outside, but once he and I were standing in the weak light of the threshold, my tears stopped. I didn’t cry anymore. I just looked up at him and calmly said, “Then go.” It was then that I knew.
When you love someone, it can hurt you. It can make you feel so very alone. It can make you sad and wish you could just erase them from your thoughts altogether. But… it can also make you happier than you’ve ever been.
It was then, waiting on those steps, watching my father disappear down the street, that I knew. I saw both the beauty and the pain. I saw how when your heart is open, someone can bruise it. They can make you want to hide it away. But how they can also embrace you and make you want to open it even more. I saw how the two things fit together—the beauty and the pain. I knew that I could never ask for more than that. I knew that for each one there is the other, and to have the beauty, I would want them both. I knew that the pain I felt, was nothing compared to all those moments I got to smile.
I didn’t always understand this. I knew it then, just for a fleeting moment, and I know it again now. Since then I have still loved. I have opened my heart, and have had to hide it away again. But I regret nothing.
To love someone really is a balance. It fills you in so many ways. It finds you, and it stays with you, and it gives you so many things. It surrounds you with such intensity. It follows you even when you are alone. It reminds you of things you said and heard. It makes the whole room alive and alight and full of chances. It inspires you to do more, to see more, to give more. It hints to such peacefulness in someone else’s presence. It makes you wonder, what comes next, what things mean, why things happen. It surprises you to how deeply, yet how delicately we build our days. It shows us the importance of little things, and how spectacular it is to connect with someone. It encourages us to reveal ourselves, to make known what we might otherwise leave unseen. It frees us to speak our secrets, to trust someone with our thoughts, and allow the troubled as well as the carefree to define us. It accepts or strengths and our weaknesses, nudging us to tend to where we may be lacking. It is playful and even outrageous at times. But just as it surrounds you completely, it also never stays in one place for too long. It asks for you to seek it out. And if you want to keep it in your life, you have to follow it wherever it may go. So I will end like this—Because I know, I will never wish for beauty without the pain. I want everything. I couldn’t ask for anything else. This is the blithe, uneven, lovely way. All we can do is hope to find others who want to seek out and follow this wild love like we do.
But strangely, even with all that I have said about “the way of things,” I am human… so, still I wonder why?
I don’t usually talk about it, but I remember the day my father left. I was four years old. I don’t remember the little things, like what he was carrying with him… I just remember his face that night, the way his eyes never seemed able to settle on mine for very long. I remember him crouching down to my level, trying to do his best to explain what he was doing. He tried to tell me why tonight, unlike all other nights, he would not be home. I remember seeing my parents exchanging very few words, just mutual glances towards the front door. I didn’t understand in the least what was going on, but I could feel it. I had sense enough to cry. I begged my father not to go outside, but once he and I were standing in the weak light of the threshold, my tears stopped. I didn’t cry anymore. I just looked up at him and calmly said, “Then go.” It was then that I knew.
When you love someone, it can hurt you. It can make you feel so very alone. It can make you sad and wish you could just erase them from your thoughts altogether. But… it can also make you happier than you’ve ever been.
It was then, waiting on those steps, watching my father disappear down the street, that I knew. I saw both the beauty and the pain. I saw how when your heart is open, someone can bruise it. They can make you want to hide it away. But how they can also embrace you and make you want to open it even more. I saw how the two things fit together—the beauty and the pain. I knew that I could never ask for more than that. I knew that for each one there is the other, and to have the beauty, I would want them both. I knew that the pain I felt, was nothing compared to all those moments I got to smile.
I didn’t always understand this. I knew it then, just for a fleeting moment, and I know it again now. Since then I have still loved. I have opened my heart, and have had to hide it away again. But I regret nothing.
To love someone really is a balance. It fills you in so many ways. It finds you, and it stays with you, and it gives you so many things. It surrounds you with such intensity. It follows you even when you are alone. It reminds you of things you said and heard. It makes the whole room alive and alight and full of chances. It inspires you to do more, to see more, to give more. It hints to such peacefulness in someone else’s presence. It makes you wonder, what comes next, what things mean, why things happen. It surprises you to how deeply, yet how delicately we build our days. It shows us the importance of little things, and how spectacular it is to connect with someone. It encourages us to reveal ourselves, to make known what we might otherwise leave unseen. It frees us to speak our secrets, to trust someone with our thoughts, and allow the troubled as well as the carefree to define us. It accepts or strengths and our weaknesses, nudging us to tend to where we may be lacking. It is playful and even outrageous at times. But just as it surrounds you completely, it also never stays in one place for too long. It asks for you to seek it out. And if you want to keep it in your life, you have to follow it wherever it may go. So I will end like this—Because I know, I will never wish for beauty without the pain. I want everything. I couldn’t ask for anything else. This is the blithe, uneven, lovely way. All we can do is hope to find others who want to seek out and follow this wild love like we do.
But strangely, even with all that I have said about “the way of things,” I am human… so, still I wonder why?
posted by Integrity at 3:36 AM
2 Comments:
What if you've felt so much of the pain that you're afraid to risk feeling more?
thats the why part. you think how can i? or why should i? over thinking, and holding back because you question. if you can be totally without the why then it shouldn't matter. you just love anyway, and feel all the parts that come along too. when you are happy, be happy. when you are sad, be sad. take everything together. i wish it was easy, but im finding out that my mind too is filled with too many whys. sometimes i can't see the balance, when i'm drowning on one side. whys cloud the mind and keep us from living. they make us afraid. a little why is okay. it makes us take a step back and look at ourselves, but when it keeps us in the same place, when it keeps us stuck. then there is too much.
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