Gone Here

My Christmas vignette/story (Sorry it's kinda sad =P )


Gone Here

We were finished, cut off, ended, and done… In so many ways. But strangely enough, that wasn’t what bothered me the most. In fact, that didn’t bother me at all anymore. It was what we had become that chilled me from the inside out…
I tried to stop that thought in its tracks. After all, that was why I had come out here: to get away from my thoughts. Heh, good luck!
It was snowing around me. The bleak porch lamp cast a hopeless light toward me, but it couldn’t reach. I sat on the icy front steps, four down from the top. A few snowflakes caught in the light, but aside from them all I could see was a flawless stretch of darkness.

I thought the stony air that caught my breath, curling it into wisps could catch my wandering thoughts in the same way. But I was wrong. The memories kept flooding back. Though, I couldn’t blame them. These thoughts weren’t finished after all. I needed to taste them just a little bit longer, before I could let them twist off into nothing again.

“Why, then?” I asked my misting breath. “How could things happen like this?”

To be honest I didn’t feel funny talking to the air. It seemed alive enough in this place. It was the only thing that moved, and the only thing that seemed to have a life of it’s own. Even the trees didn’t sway; they were too stiff with icicles.

“I never expected us to change so much,” I continued, each word adding another cloud to the air. “We used to be so close…”
I’d never felt so strong a desire for anyone’s outstretched hand. I’d never grown so familiar to anyone’s voice. I caught glimpses of his many sides. I saw the ones that were split and fractured, and those that were smooth, warm, and smiling. I saw him approach me with such affection. Where did it all come from? He was something I never expected would grow so dear to me, and yet…he did.

I sat back on my elbows, relaxing, and looked into the sky. I heard the Christmas music drifting outside. It was Christmas Eve, but rather than dancing and eating the holiday turkey with the people inside, I couldn’t stop thinking about the one person who wasn’t here with me.

“But it’s not like I need him the way he was,” I told the air with a sigh. “God no! He’s changed into someone else and so have I. At least now what he does doesn’t make me sad… now I just shake my head is all. But what was that? He seemed so sure that we could still be close; friends without touching… No. We were supposed to be friends who could still share secrets with each other… only now we just wouldn’t have a dream together—”

That’s what he seemed to want, anyway. It’s what he said. Right. But what he does says things much clearer. I’ve heard nothing from him. No calls. No desires. No fears. Not even a question about my life. That’s what makes me sad. It’s how close we used to be, how much we knew about each other, and how much we wanted to know. All that’s turned into nothing. Where has my life gone? Where are those memories? It’s like those days we shared together never really meant a thing. My memories are no more than ghosts. No. Even ghosts used to be something real. I’m just a misty breath of air on Christmas Eve. I’m someone’s sigh. They might look at me for a moment, but that’s all. And then they walk away down the snow swept sidewalk, leaving me to twist, curl and disappear into the sky. That’s all I ever was.

No! Not Me Too!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I really hope I’m not getting sick. Everyone has been sick of late, and it seems—In my mind at least—that they purposefully direct the largest, most phlegm infested coughs in my direction. And alas I am lacking the virus evading matrix skills needed to dodge such frontal attacks. I would really like to be well. I’ve made it this far and I only need to the end of the week, really. I just know that if I avoid being sick for this long, I’m bound to catch a bad cold when it finally does breach my immune system.

I feel very silly because I’m home now, and I have to write a paper by five. Unfortunately, this teacher is not fond of computers, so rather than sending this paper through email by a certain time, I must physically drop it off in a box on campus and sign my name. Email would be much more convenient. You know that running list of reasons why computers annoy people? Well, along with the classics like: “they’re great until they fail you” or “goddammit you piece of crap! You froze again!” And I’ve added, “oh come ON! emailing the paper would be easier for everyone. SERIOUSLY!” So I’m getting frustrated at the fact that I CANT use a computer, when I really, really want to.

But oh well, I’d better get back to work.

Gazing From the Second Half

I have less than two weeks left of school. I’m very excited. This may even be my last two weeks of USF forever, but right now I’m not sure what’s in the cards for me next. I’m just so very excited for classes to be done. I get my blasted wisdom teeth surgery on the 13, which I am growing ever more frightened about by the day. I know my teeth phobia is a little strange, but honestly ask anyone if they enjoy having teeth pulled and I guarantee they will not say yes. If they do there is either sarcasm involved or they are CRAZY. The thing I am looking forward to is actually having nothing to do. It’s like I’m forced to stay in bed, be sick, and watch movies. I’m actually really looking forward to reading and vegging out a little. I finally get time away from stress-drama-city life. And I actually get to move out of my dorm. That will be silly because since I live close enough, I know I will just pile things in my car. I take it usually someone would be relatively organized and pack things up nicely so it’s easy to ship. Since there is no shipping involved: I stuff :P Do you know what I have left to do before I leave San Francisco? Go to a wax museum. That’s high up on my to-do-list.