Lighten Up
I have not cried since I’ve come to live in Hungary. I’ve felt so happy living here, away from school, with Seren’s lovely company, and with the whole world open to me.
But all of a sudden I’m realizing that things are not going to stay this way forever. I will go back. But back to what? I really don’t know. My mind is filled with questions, confusions, and feverish worries. What am I to do next? Maybe an apartment with Seren in San Francisco, maybe applying again to Mills, maybe both USF and Mills, maybe a year off, maybe another year abroad in Scotland… but when the time comes, who knows what will really be here for me?
I was talking to my father online. He tired helping me plan, but the tears started, despite the relaxed nature of the conversation. They just came. I couldn’t stop them. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been gone from USF for so long. Who knows what I’ll come back to? Will I be able to survive there for another year? It’s such a pain beneath my chest to imagine being trapped again. I don’t know why I felt so trapped at that school. But I just get this overwhelming dread when I think about returning to the way things where before. I need to breathe. I need to be free.
All I know is none of my options are quite ready. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I don’t know where I belong. It’s a scary feeling. And so many thoughts wipe my smile away. I can hardly function with so many uncertainties. I need to make a change. At least I know that. But what if I don’t make the right one? How will I pull myself out the next time I need to be saved?
The hurt is coming back. I was safe for a while, and it felt so good. But soon this little world I created will fade away as I stare out the window of a plane. Gone. And what next? I’ll be alone again. On my own. Struggling with where next to put my feet. Will what I pick next become mine for longer than this little, delicate island? Am I ready for another complete, and life altering change? Can I handle the changes I need to make? I really hope so. I’m not as strong as I’d like to think.
It’s even scarier to realize that life at “home” isn’t going to stay a grounding space forever. I know the changes being made are good for the people making them. But… I can’t help but feel the shock of missing a step. It’s like now I’m not only alone, but I have to be…. We all need our little sanctuaries… it’s just hard when one person’s sanctuary changes, and I lose mine in the process… I’m happy my father is doing what he’s always wanted. I’m just going to miss home. It won’t be the same. And eventually that will happen to everything I’ve ever loved. They will change beneath my feet, and I will look upon them with a stranger’s eyes.
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t talk about my worries with other people. And that doesn’t have anything to do with not having a real phone, though I really do with I could hear a friendly voice. I just know how hard life can be for everyone, so I don’t want to make it more complicated by adding my problems to the pile. Who knows if I could really be honest about things I need to say. I don’t want to make things messier with my worries. I wish I had all the answers. That way, no one would have to worry. I’m silly I know. But I still wish I could save everyone. But I know it’s impossible.
I’ll just do my best to be strong and take things a day at a time… but my time is running out. I have to decide soon, and I’m not at all ready. I feel like I’m closing my eyes and pointing in a direction.
Sorry for the worries. I'll try to lighten up :P
But all of a sudden I’m realizing that things are not going to stay this way forever. I will go back. But back to what? I really don’t know. My mind is filled with questions, confusions, and feverish worries. What am I to do next? Maybe an apartment with Seren in San Francisco, maybe applying again to Mills, maybe both USF and Mills, maybe a year off, maybe another year abroad in Scotland… but when the time comes, who knows what will really be here for me?
I was talking to my father online. He tired helping me plan, but the tears started, despite the relaxed nature of the conversation. They just came. I couldn’t stop them. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been gone from USF for so long. Who knows what I’ll come back to? Will I be able to survive there for another year? It’s such a pain beneath my chest to imagine being trapped again. I don’t know why I felt so trapped at that school. But I just get this overwhelming dread when I think about returning to the way things where before. I need to breathe. I need to be free.
All I know is none of my options are quite ready. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I don’t know where I belong. It’s a scary feeling. And so many thoughts wipe my smile away. I can hardly function with so many uncertainties. I need to make a change. At least I know that. But what if I don’t make the right one? How will I pull myself out the next time I need to be saved?
The hurt is coming back. I was safe for a while, and it felt so good. But soon this little world I created will fade away as I stare out the window of a plane. Gone. And what next? I’ll be alone again. On my own. Struggling with where next to put my feet. Will what I pick next become mine for longer than this little, delicate island? Am I ready for another complete, and life altering change? Can I handle the changes I need to make? I really hope so. I’m not as strong as I’d like to think.
It’s even scarier to realize that life at “home” isn’t going to stay a grounding space forever. I know the changes being made are good for the people making them. But… I can’t help but feel the shock of missing a step. It’s like now I’m not only alone, but I have to be…. We all need our little sanctuaries… it’s just hard when one person’s sanctuary changes, and I lose mine in the process… I’m happy my father is doing what he’s always wanted. I’m just going to miss home. It won’t be the same. And eventually that will happen to everything I’ve ever loved. They will change beneath my feet, and I will look upon them with a stranger’s eyes.
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t talk about my worries with other people. And that doesn’t have anything to do with not having a real phone, though I really do with I could hear a friendly voice. I just know how hard life can be for everyone, so I don’t want to make it more complicated by adding my problems to the pile. Who knows if I could really be honest about things I need to say. I don’t want to make things messier with my worries. I wish I had all the answers. That way, no one would have to worry. I’m silly I know. But I still wish I could save everyone. But I know it’s impossible.
I’ll just do my best to be strong and take things a day at a time… but my time is running out. I have to decide soon, and I’m not at all ready. I feel like I’m closing my eyes and pointing in a direction.
Sorry for the worries. I'll try to lighten up :P
posted by Integrity at 4:45 PM
4 Comments:
Just remember that I am always here for you. No matter what you decide, no matter where you go, I love you and you will always have me in your life. And I am here for you no matter what it is you need to talk about; don't be afraid to share what you're thinking.
*hugs*
You are not alone, not in these feelings, and not in this world. I know I haven't been online much lately, and I'm sorry that I've neglected that. I will try to log my aol, whichever side I'm on so if we're both on we can chat.
Also, I don't care what time it is, if you need to talk, call me. Unless it's died my phone is on 24/7 for that reason. Call, we'll talk. If you need me I'm here. You are my sister, not by blood but by heart. I will -always- be here for you.
thank you very much :)
It makes me sad to think of you being so far away for more than a semester. i can understand you feeling trapped at USf, but could that simply be from living in the Vault? The dorms and university has alot of rules pertaining to living on campus, once off campus I think you would feel better.
Enjoy the present, don't fear the future. Worrying about the future and dwelling in the past destroys your present. And the present is the only reality.
Enjoy Hungary! Enjoy Life! I hope to see you soon.
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