Fascination

I think I reverted to my young self on Sunday with Juju/ Kiele/ (what should I call you now)?

It was so lovely, standing among all the little kids, feeling their excitement, hearing their chattering, watching them bubble over with emotions. We went to build-a-bear. I know, I know, it sounds lame… but it was really sweet. I remember back when I was young like that. Climbing trees with long tangled hair. I wore overalls and was always taken with the simplest things. I played in the creaks and would lovingly gather sticks to make a miniature teepee, or politely talk to squirrels. Despite what my mother said, I never got rabies, and more importantly I was happy doing these things.

So, standing there, getting ready to stuff and rather dead looking floppy bunny body, I realized how simple it could be to feel content. And I was—at that moment—thrilled to be there.

Gab and I just watched this movie called things to do. It was about this guy who witnessed a traumatic event, which led him to quit his mundane office job and go back to live in his hometown in the hopes of getting something more out of life. Popular theme. He ended up making a list of things he always wanted to do in high school but never got a chance to do, like sky diving, making a slam dunk, building a go cart, dressing up in hippie clothes and playing bongo drums on the street, going to prom, etc. Every day was different, and I think life should be lived more like that. Spur of the moment, out of the ordinary things mixed into life makes every day so much more interesting. I want to make a resolution, right now, to be spontaneous, genuine, and open so that I can keep my life from getting overpowered by college. I want to find people who are up for an unconventional style.

“Leave nothing unfinished, leave nothing unsaid.”

Devious Love

I will start like this—Love, twists and grows in unexpected ways. Life surprises you with it in places you’d never think to look. It comes in so many unique forms, that the simple word “love” does not even begin to define all that we use it for. When you love someone, you can love your friends, your family, your neighbors, your mentors, your lovers…

I don’t usually talk about it, but I remember the day my father left. I was four years old. I don’t remember the little things, like what he was carrying with him… I just remember his face that night, the way his eyes never seemed able to settle on mine for very long. I remember him crouching down to my level, trying to do his best to explain what he was doing. He tried to tell me why tonight, unlike all other nights, he would not be home. I remember seeing my parents exchanging very few words, just mutual glances towards the front door. I didn’t understand in the least what was going on, but I could feel it. I had sense enough to cry. I begged my father not to go outside, but once he and I were standing in the weak light of the threshold, my tears stopped. I didn’t cry anymore. I just looked up at him and calmly said, “Then go.” It was then that I knew.

When you love someone, it can hurt you. It can make you feel so very alone. It can make you sad and wish you could just erase them from your thoughts altogether. But… it can also make you happier than you’ve ever been.

It was then, waiting on those steps, watching my father disappear down the street, that I knew. I saw both the beauty and the pain. I saw how when your heart is open, someone can bruise it. They can make you want to hide it away. But how they can also embrace you and make you want to open it even more. I saw how the two things fit together—the beauty and the pain. I knew that I could never ask for more than that. I knew that for each one there is the other, and to have the beauty, I would want them both. I knew that the pain I felt, was nothing compared to all those moments I got to smile.

I didn’t always understand this. I knew it then, just for a fleeting moment, and I know it again now. Since then I have still loved. I have opened my heart, and have had to hide it away again. But I regret nothing.

To love someone really is a balance. It fills you in so many ways. It finds you, and it stays with you, and it gives you so many things. It surrounds you with such intensity. It follows you even when you are alone. It reminds you of things you said and heard. It makes the whole room alive and alight and full of chances. It inspires you to do more, to see more, to give more. It hints to such peacefulness in someone else’s presence. It makes you wonder, what comes next, what things mean, why things happen. It surprises you to how deeply, yet how delicately we build our days. It shows us the importance of little things, and how spectacular it is to connect with someone. It encourages us to reveal ourselves, to make known what we might otherwise leave unseen. It frees us to speak our secrets, to trust someone with our thoughts, and allow the troubled as well as the carefree to define us. It accepts or strengths and our weaknesses, nudging us to tend to where we may be lacking. It is playful and even outrageous at times. But just as it surrounds you completely, it also never stays in one place for too long. It asks for you to seek it out. And if you want to keep it in your life, you have to follow it wherever it may go. So I will end like this—Because I know, I will never wish for beauty without the pain. I want everything. I couldn’t ask for anything else. This is the blithe, uneven, lovely way. All we can do is hope to find others who want to seek out and follow this wild love like we do.

But strangely, even with all that I have said about “the way of things,” I am human… so, still I wonder why?

Tonight Is Right

Now I must go into my room, light all the candles, munch on snow peas…and start reading Harry Potter!

Good To See You Again

The Gathering

In a room of darkened candles,
The light this night plays on your face again.
It peeks around all your corners,
Drawing me in, but still I must refrain.

I know your voice anywhere I am.
I try to stand tall, but feel myself sway.
Even with my back turned I know you’re there.
So this night, I couldn’t keep myself away.

And I put on my strongest face,
To catch a glimpse of my sweetest dreams.
Those eyes were almost just the same,
But I knew. It was not what it seemed.

Under such a beautiful moon,
Surrounded by smiles, couldn’t we be there too?
Together in feather-soft air,
To dash out in the rain, but without you?

No. I never wanted it that way.
When was it? That I didn’t want to be alone?
In the rain, when I saw you with me there.
That was when. But now I’m on my own.

Would I do it all again?
With every word and every smile, of course.
With those, I’ve learned to leave and love.
To bask in other worlds, next to your light source.

Mine is above me now.
A kerosene streetlamp, who’s light is dim,
Without yours to combine with.
My joyful passions were at the brim,

Spilling over into you.
But now, there is nowhere for them to go.
They just get lost with the rain,
Remembering when you wanted to see the glow.

Do you feel any pull to my light?
The only reason I’m standing nowhere near,
Is because you asked me to.
It’s brighter with you, so why would I be here?

But at least my lamp lights the way
So that I don’t get lost as well,
Beyond this candled room,
After you turn and bid me farewell.


(Oops this got deleted. It was SUPPOSED to be my 100th post)

Potter!

Yes! The 7th and final Harry Potter book is at last in my grasp! But I’m so conflicted. Part of me wants to savor the story, and not gobble it up as fast as possible. But then, if I take my time, someone is sure to let something slip, or purposefully reveal the ending for me. What horror!

It was so amazing to feel the throbbing crowd all around me as I waited in line with Yan and Gabs. It was just buzzing with energy. These are the people, kids like me who grew up with Harry. There was so much excitement, so much anticipation. Everyone was dressed up, from the teen girls trying to look hot in mini skirts and knee socks, to the little boy atop daddy’s shoulders wearing and over-sized floppy hat and glasses. I just couldn’t stop my bubbly-excited-giggles as I was swallowed up by all this.

By the way, that last entry was my 100th! Cool, no?

Rain Where Did You Come From

I can't believe it rained yesterday, in July, oh my. I wonder what it means. Maybe it rained for me. That'd be nice but of course the sky doesn't take silly requests from teenage girls who want an excuse to dance and spin. They always say water is symbolic of change, renewal, and cleansing. I'm sure my garden looks up at them with thankful joy. Yes, that’s right, I have a garden now... or at least I'm making one. Lots of digging, lots of hoeing. But it's coming along. I always love things that grow, and I think it's really special to me right now too. With college, and everything else... it makes me so happy to be making something with my own two hands. It's beautiful how the more I work the soil, the better the garden with be. This is the place where I can breathe life into something. You can't always do that in every aspect of life, but here is something that I can really put my heart into. I can look at it when it's finished and think, wow, I made this. I mean, I might not be very good at gardening, but I hope I can make at least a few plants happy. I've been hoping to find something for my dorm too. Something that's alive, and that I can grow, and not have to watch die. Something sturdy would be good right? Maybe something cactus like. Or something that hates sun, and water, and soil, and air. Uh.... that would be a rock, huh?. Hmmm...

Oh and before I forget. It's Gentleman-W's Birthday today.

Brown Penny

Brown Penny

I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

--William Butler Yeats

(I saved this poem for a night like this,
because it always gives me hope,
even when my whole body feels heavy,
and my mind spins and trips in endless loops of questions)

Conversations In The Dark

“Tell the truth,” one shadow says to Another.
“Do I serve a purpose for anyone?”
“No,” said Another. “For all that see you
Know already what it is that you do.”

“So I am nothing?” asked the sweet shadow.
“Only to those that are afraid.
They look out and see nothing but dark.
So you are a nothing but stark.”

“You are as blank as the air you rest in.”
Another pondered a moment, then said,
“Yes, you are nothing to all of mankind,
But then again, they are all blind.”

My Ways Of Water

Picture Afar

Hold me
Hold me
Like you told me
Ask me
Ask me
What I see
Tell me
Tell me
Just to be
Catch me
Catch me
At the train stop
Know me
Know me
And where I go
Find me
Find me
In a crowd
Patience
Patience
Am I too loud?
In this voiceless
Place without
my sound
Forget me?
Maybe
Maybe

Something I Love...

When I speak my name to a stranger, they always listen closely. They take it in, all the sounds it makes, and the way my lips move to create it. Then they repeat back to me, testing it out. They taste it in their mouth, each letter a separate flavor, each curve a different texture. Often, of course, they might be off a little. Though, as my name is one that isn’t normally spoken, I smile and correct them. And at that, they try it out again. Then, if I see them again, they try to recall my name, and the way it felt. They might wrinkle their nose in though as they try hard to recreate the right combination of sounds. And then, if they remember, they light up, like remembering my name was a great accomplishment. After that, they usually don’t forget.

I love names. Maybe we should have many. At least two, perhaps. One when we are born, for us to live in like a roomy home… built by those that love us. And one when we grow into ourselves, for us to create so that it fits us snugly.

Discovered

What if all I am is just a question
Something people come across and ponder
Too easily the answer is found
As if my skin becomes translucent
It reveals me as I always was
To any eyes left watching
In a moment they all turn away
I am discovered to be something else
Something less than what I was in costume
Suddenly I’m empty—all my heartbeat
Drains away—so that I am left alone
I am gone—lost and reeling—exposed
I don’t recognize her anymore
And yet it is me—I am still attached
I am but the shadow at her feet



I guess I'm just a little freaked out about tomorrow. I have to pick classes then, and meet all those people of my next four years.