Bam

So, here I am in college. It’s not like I expected. It seems like the more people I meet, and the more names I learn, just makes me feel more and more lonely. I know, I know, it’s my first day, but it just doesn’t feel like me. I don’t feel like me. All these people don’t feel like me either. I just gaze around at the faces on campus, the way they smile, laugh, or look completely frightened. My eyes flit around them, while I wonder who I’m going to click with. Will it be the cheerful curly-haired girl on the third floor, the gothic artist chick in Hayes, or that tall, shy guy from fast-track? I mean, everyone’s friendly, but are they friends? Are they going to be? It’s just so overwhelming. No matter how many times someone tells me their name, I just don’t get it. It’s like I’m floating around in some world that isn’t mine. I have to rebuild everything. I have to find those people that make me feel like me. And that let me be me. It’s just so hard because everyone is frantic, thrashing out for anyone that will engage in conversation. No one is themselves either. We are all just trying to be calm and look like we know what we are doing. We are all trying to appear as comfortable as possible, even though in truth we are all in the same place. We have all just left our homes, our friends our families. I actually hate this. I mean, I understand this is the next stage in life, I get that. Everyone is just like me. We’re all doing the same thing, though it doesn’t make things any easier to know that. I still see my life changing, while being able to do nothing about it. It’s a rushing river of change, with little sticks floating by so fast that I don’t even have time to take anything in. I’m not in control of it. I’m weak compared to its current. I can’t reach in and expect to be able to slow it down any, because there it goes, rushing by even faster. I just keep getting this feeling, that all of this is permanent. That this room, this roommate, and this world is permanent. I know that it isn’t. I thought the same thing about high school. Freshman year I tried to look ahead four years to see how I would feel… it felt just as permanent. And it was permanent… just up until the point where I wanted it to stay that way. Where I was happy with my life, my friends, and the way things were. And then just at that point. Bam. Things change.