Myself Agian

Home. What a place.

Warm, fresh, full of food and smiles, when I feel whole, where my garden grows…

I wonder if it really matters where you actually live… or does it just feel wonderful wherever you return to.

I came back on Thursday night, late after my last film class. As soon as I came home my mom and I watched the Painted Veil, which was really good:) Edward Norton was excellent. He was such a jerk in the movie, but then again his wife was terrible in the beginning so I don’t blame him.

And then immediately I got sick. It’s all the stress I suppose. I slept forever and it felt so good. I can’t sleep here at school. I can’t sleep until everyone else heads off to bed too. If people are up they slam, bang, and giggle so that it’s rather hard to get some shuteye. 3 is usually when everyone quiets down. But that’s pretty damn late.

I can tell I’m just not ready to start working yet. I probably should have taken a year off and done cooking school or something. It just seems like I have no patience to write papers or do extensive reading. I can write like mad in my diary, but even my blog is rather empty given all that’s been going on. And all my posts are completely scattered.

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I can see everyone changing. Even if they think they can predict what the outcome will be, or think it is minimal, it’s more than they think. It’s only been a week for some of us… and more for others. It’s like becoming a different person altogether. It’s the same as putting on different clothes… it changes you entirely, at least in an outward way. It just makes me wonder how much I’m changing too, or in what way. I don’t know if I like it. I like it when I evolve, tweaking bits to make me more pronounced, but I don’t like straight up change. That kind of change jerks too hard. It makes me wonder if this is truly what people were destined to become, or maybe they are getting farther away from themselves. I can tell when I change sometimes. I can see it when I come back home, or see old friends… I drift into focus. I laugh more… real laughing. My words become free again, and I don’t feel like I have to edit myself for the world. It feels so wonderful, but it makes me realize how I was before I focused myself. I was like a washed out picture, too grainy and unrealistic. That’s when I know I’ve been changing. I do have a mask. We all do, but I definitely have one. We have them because they are supposed to center us. They are our identity, but am I wearing the right one? And why can’t I just show my face? Few people have seen me like that…

And I hate this whole detachment thing! It’s like everyone has to cut off life up until this point. Like seeing old friends is bad, and rigorous pursuit of dorm life is the key to happiness. Bullshit. Why does their have to be such and intense separation? Why do you have to separate the beautiful comforts that keep you centered, like your friends, people you love, that favorite hideaway spot… why do you have to separate those things from the new and the unknown, which is also good… different, but exciting. And since when is the old second best?! I want to somehow connect them together and create something that has the best of both. I want to feel like myself again.